Anxiety made me stop making comics.

BEFORE YOU READ: Just to put you in context this was first of all posted as a Kickstarter update 2 days ago. I post it here because, I want to share my stories to more people and maybe help anyone going through a similar situation, No creative brain should die.


I was invincible because anxiety & depression was fictionality in my reality.

*** JUST TO BE SURE YOU READ IT, IF YOU DON'T READ THE FULL TEXT: 2 UPDATES MINIMUM WILL BE SEND UNTIL THE DELIVERY OF THE PROJECT. NO MORE LACK OF COMMUNICATION, I'M BACK! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING <3 ***


on June 4th 2018, we made the impossible (to me) - I have created my Monster! My first book that I have ever written was a self-published crowdfunding hit raised over $13 400 by 570 backers. At First, I found that f**king rad - I was bless to start my career with already people interested and waiting for my creation. (THANK YOU AGAIN!)

My initial goal of my Kickstarter was $2 500, I was just expecting few fellow creators and friends to support me. I never imagine it was possible that the impossible happen. 


But like history told us, impossible sometime happen.


In my head, I was going immediately from Pizza Delivery dude to a 21 years old self-made man entertainment creator! My ultimate fantasy was happening! The next year plan = Cannes Festival winner of a Palme d’or - I was already the next big thing.


I STARTED TO BE INVINCIBLE. 


Dreams were no longer dreams, Kevin Roditeli was now a George Lucas.

July 2018, I was prepare and ready to ship the books on time (August) but I was invincible and I had more budget & a readership - I decided to not just make a mini-series, I was making a franchise. So, I started to rewrite the dialogues, add more pages, add more characters, I changed the whole thing to make it one of the biggest IP of all time.


I quit my day job to be 100% on creating my universe Glaxial.


I wanted to give readers the director’s cut, the best version I could ever make of this story. I didn't want to ship an average book or just a good book, I wanted to ship a masterpiece to the people who believe in me and my lifetime dream.


(Later, I realize that  I actually faced ANXIETY for the first time in my life, I postponed the book because I was scare. My fear was that no one love my book, that people regret to support my project, that my dream end after I ship the books.


My answer to that was: Let’s make it bigger.


All my life, I was Mr.Skip steps. I guess, it was inevitable that one day something stop me and tell me: Hey dude, you don’t have the life experience to handle ‘’success’’...)


I DID GO FROM BEING INVINCIBLE TO BE WITHOUT CONFIDENCE.


I was no longer me. Since, I’m someone that HATE to share his feeling (even with myself). I did deal with my ‘’No more confidence situation’’ by going all in on everything, I was convincing myself that I was more badass than ever. I convinced myself that there was no problem.


By doing this, I stopped to think with my heart and follow my dreams. My new lifestyle escaping anxiety by proving to myself that I was still invincible

From August 2018 to February 2019,  


I started to rep. for KrakenPrint (A comic book printing company) not by passion but by strategy to be closer to some person and skip steps. I started a digital marketing company for Comics Creators to convince myself that I was the best at it.


Doing all that while moving to a new city with my girlfriend, to start film school because someone told me I would never be a filmmaker without a film school. Since I was scare and had no confidence, same day, I did hit 2 hours of road to visit, register to the school and sign for a new apartment. 


Funniest, I never been to the film school, once I was there I freaked out ‘cause I had no time to go to school and build my universe of Glaxial. Funnier, I had no time to do it either with all the other things I started.


I was never satisfied and working so slowly on Glaxial. I was scare of it, I was scare of my creation. I created my Monster. I was doing all this to escape my fear of my anxiety to release my book and maybe flop.


Since, I based all my life on ‘’I’m a genius succeeding everything faster & before everyone’’.


I was prisoner of my persona. 


In February 2019,


I did do a trip to california to visit my good friends and collaborators Rob Cannon (artist of Glaxial, the best collaborator I could ever imagine, thank for everything bro!) and Jo Vasquez (Cover artist / indie creator) to motivate myself to get back at it! All working together on Glaxial in the same room, pitch ideas and make it the best comic ever. I was more motivated than ever. BUT When the trip was finish, I got back home, back to this one of a hell pattern. I forgot everything we did, I was back with my fears. 


In March 2019, I faced THE WALL. 

The month I was finally releasing the book...


My KrakenPrint Customers started to contact me to tell me that they were not receiving there books. The Boss of KrakenPrint was always telling me ‘’we contact him now’’ and when I was asking what was going on - He was telling me that everything was fine, nothing to worry. I was a kid working for the ‘’biggest comic printer’’, I was believing them, ‘’I was living the dream’’.


...And then I started to receive complains from KrakenPrint’s customers on a daily base, more alarming messages including one of my good creator friend DM me saying KrakenPrint is holding $2 600 of his money. I started to be under constant stress, not sleeping, shaking constantly, not eating because I was under panic, I should have go to the hospital but I was still in my ‘’invincible mindset’’ - I’m shaking just thinking about this moment. 


Now, I was not just destroying my dream, I understood that I was use to destroy the dream of people with similar dreams than mine. The worst feeling, my biggest nightmare. I have based all my life on following my dream and I know how a few hundreds or thousands of dollars lost can stop someone from dreaming.


The boss never told me with transparency what was going on at KrakenPrint, what they were doing with the dreams of the creators who trusted me. I was devastated: me the invincible dude has been use to ''scam'' fellow comic creators.


While this moment of crisis was happening my girlfriend decided to left me. I wasn’t the same, I changed. For months, I was no longer Kevin Positive & dreamer, Kevin let’s go to a film festival, Kevin let’s do something with the friends - The only thing I was doing: Fighting with my innerself… and I broke something when we did move to the film school’s city, it never been the same. I understand her that was the best for both of us. 


Because of all this, I had no power to complete the book like planned, I was at lowest I never been. I was dead inside. I decided to just disappear to take a break and find the person I was before I start believing that I was invincible - no one is - when you think you are, it just mean your fear made you stop learning and grow.


In April 2019, I took the month to put my life together and find myself again. 


In May 2019 (NOW), I’M BACK!


3 days ago, I have learn from an ex-employee of KrakenPrint what did happen, The company bankrupt, I guess they had no transparency with me, so I could bring the maximum of job to them - like anyone with a closing business they tried to save the thing. I don’t think they were badly intentioned at first…


But still lie were said & money was hold by them. 


Good news, this ex-employee told me they are shipping all the remaining orders (I’m crossing fingers for this to be true).


Yeah, I was probably use like a puppet. Yes, they had no transparency. Yes, they still own me around $4 000 in salary, I will never get it. I don’t care - what's important - not me. I just want every creators to get there orders.


I just want everyone who trust me, believe in me to get there comics.


Comics are made with love and passion - The world need it. If they don't do what they said - I will fight until every creative mind get there babies home. That's a promise, I will never let anyone break dreams.


This made me realize how lucky I was to dream, to see the world differently, to be creative, to be part of the most awesome community of creators.  I admitted to myself that I was scare and I needed to stop everything I was doing beside doing what I love: CREATING.


Which also mean I’m no longer the one operating Comics Marketing - Alex Sawyer is. We work in the same office, so, I’m still around and helping but 100% working on my passion: GLAXIAL.


Being good at something doesn’t mean you should do it, follow your heart, always.

When you are scare, don’t wait - Face it now. Monsters get stronger every minute you wait.

 

I accepted to face reality, I accepted that I’m not invincible. I’m no longer scare, I’am now finally REALLY finishing this book (With all our rework on it, over the months: it’s now over 50 pages).


I’m finally back to happiness because I accepted to learn again. I’m creating again for the love of it. I’m not an entrepreneur or a sell man, I’m a young dude with artistic idea.


Looking at Glaxial #1 right now, I’m in love with what we created, I’m proud of my first book and can’t wait to share it with you. I apologize for all the delay and I thank you for your continued support in this journey. I apologize to everyone in my life for not being me in the past months.


Backers: expect Glaxial updates every weeks until release.


Also, expect daily news from me on social media, let’s all do what we love with heart. I'm more excited than ever to create & share my journey with you - after sharing all this with you, I feel like you are not ''backers (like we say here), you are my friends (might be weird, sorry).


I really want you to see every step of the completion of the project - let's live it together!


If you are dealing with anxiety, depression or monsters. I hope sharing my story did help you, like it did help me. Feel free to share your story with me, let’s talk whenever you need.


Life is hard to understand, we got no guidebook beside the experience of others.


Ho and yeah, I didn’t win the Palme d’or this year, Bong Joon-ho did - watch his movie he is one of the best director working today. there’s a lot to learn from this Gentleman :)


First, Before any filmaking stuff - Let's finish this fight:

My energy is back to my passion (and sorry for all my cheesy stuff in my update), 

Let’s Keep in touch & keep in touch with your dream (and reality)  <3

© 2018 by Kevin Roditeli.